How to help your child adjust to divorce
Divorce is stressful on adults and it is even harder for our children. Kids (especially young ones) have a hard time understanding why their family is breaking apart. They internalize this stress, and it can lead to problems in other areas of their life. After a divorce your children may experience behavioral issues, declining grades or mental health problems. I have compiled a list of some helpful do’s and dont’s that can help minimize the negative effects that divorce can have on kids.
Don’t talk bad about your ex:
Kids love their parents equally, and they don’t like to hear one criticize the other. Kids understand they are part mom and part dad, they may think your criticism of your spouse is meant to hurt them. Also, arguing in front of your kids can be scary for them, try to find a time away from your kids to address your conflicts.
Don’t use your kids as a messenger:
It hurts kids to be put in the crossfire between conflicting parents. Your kids will learn good conflict resolution skills if you can model maturity by having polite conversations with your ex.
Don’t make your kids choose between parents:
Encourage your children to visit with your ex spouse regularly. When they get back, don’t drill them for information.
Don’t use your kids as a sounding board or ask them to look after you:
Turn to other adults when you need help and let your kids be kids. When you are on your cell phone remember that your kids are listening very closely to what you say.
Do take care of yourself:
Divorce is hard, but don’t use it as excuse to drink too much or engage in other unhealthy habits, especially in front of the kids.
Do stay consistent with your message:
Children thrive with boundaries. Your child needs you to be their parent not their friend. By keeping a consistent schedule and following through with both promises and consequences you help your child feel more safe and secure.
Do pay your child support:
The financial impacts of divorce can add unneeded stress and difficulty to your kids’ lives. They need your support, even if you can’t be with them every day.
Do remind your children that you love them (often):
It is easy to get overwhelmed and loose patience with children when you are feeling stressed in your own life. Remember to take a deep breath before snapping at your child, they are probably feeling stress of their own.
Divorce is never easy, but it doesn’t have to be a traumatic experience. The most important thing parents can do, whether they’re married or divorced, is to make sure their children know exactly how much they are loved.
Claudia Gersh, MA, MFTI
213.290.1876
Tuesday, January 31, 2012